It's pretty obvious. I've hit my limits, pushed them, stretched my boundaries as far as they'd go, and now this is what rock bottom looks like.
But who am I fooling? I look around the large room I'm standing in, and see many eyes on me. Some even lock with mine for a brief moment before I know why they are staring, and then I turn away.
I look awful. I'm pale, hardly standing on my own two feet, my heart is off to the races and I have no way to control what my body is feeling. I might fall down as my body tries desperately to reset, I may not, but at least right now, the message to myself is loud and clear; "you need to slow down.".
Someone looks at me and knows instantly what is wrong. I hate that I can't hide anymore. I hate that the body I thought was the real Superwoman, is actually just me...regular old me.
The reality is, Superwoman exists on a screen, and not in reality. In reality, we see many façades of her, on people trying desperately to 'fake it till they make it'. What they don't realize, is that they haven't fooled anyone.
How is it that we can see through someone else's struggle, but we can't see through our own?
What does this look like from the perspective of the guy across the room?
A young woman walks in, maybe in her late 20's, early 30's, and waits patiently in line. There are quite a few people ahead of her and her discomfort is quite obvious. She looks tired, weary, and empty. Maybe she has a virus, or hurt her back? She looks down a lot and tries to avoid eye contact, but she doesn't seem shy. I wonder what is wrong?
The Volunteer at the admitting desk approaches her and asks if she'd like a wheelchair, to which the lady politely declines. She is on her own and doesn't have someone to push it. But the longer she waits, the more uncomfortable she seems. She breathes deeply and clutches her chest. I wonder to myself if I should help her and I temporarily forget that I am in Emergency for my own reasons too. Finally however, she reaches the front of the line and waits to be assessed by the nurse. The glass doors open and the disappears behind them. I can see her talking and gesturing to the nurse as she's questioned about what hurts and why. I see her touch her heart and my own starts to beat out of synch. I just have this feeling that I know why she is here.
Stress, Anxiety, burnout...
And you know, He's right. My heart is pounding, racing and jumping like a fish out of water and it's ugly. My body had tried to warn me many times that I'm not ok, and yet I couldn't see it. Everyone else knew but me. I wear it on my face, and my clothes aren't even ironed. I am all.worn.out. and I'm scared. There are consequences to ignoring the messages from your body and I just hope it's not too late to start.
I have been fooling myself.
I am here for help.